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Do I Still Love?

Jan 28, 2009
Soul Thoughts

“The beginning of wisdom is the definition of terms” - Socrates

Recently I was asked if I still love someone.  The question is an interesting one because this person is one I’ve known for a while and been extremely close to and who has brought a cargoship-load of hurt.  My response was “Uh…what do you mean by LOVE?”  I was only partly being evasive.  In this week of soul-testing and spiritual fruit evaluation I can’t help but come back to this question of what love means and work on defining terms.

When I go to webster.com to define love I get

1 a (1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child>

Paul in the the bible at 1 Corinthians gives us his insight with

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Some things I find not too difficult to accept when it comes to a definition of love.  First, it is a feeling – at least sometimes.  There’s even some research that suggests that the feelings of being in love (the “obsessive thinking about one’s beloved, craving for union with him or her, euphoria, and increased energy”) are related to a chemical called the nerve growth factor (NGF).  An interesting finding in this study was that the NGF levels were elevated in couples who were newly in love but decreased after a year or so to matched levels of those of couples who have been in a relationship for a longer period of time.

Secondly, love can be defined by its actions, e.g. it’s patient and polite, it protects, it perseveres. Love can be defined with verbs.  The verse from 1 Corinthians is an example of love as a verb.  The greek word in that verse is agape and it’s a noun that acts like a verb.  This word, like much of the greek language, takes on many meanings depending on context but, for me at least, always include three major concepts.

  • First, agape love is unconditional. It’s the kind of love that doesn’t require something first – or after – to act.  There are no “what’s in if for me?” negotiations or “if-then” statements associated with agape.

  • Secondly, agape love is for everyone. You really are supposed to love your enemies too.  There’s this same tension in the following from wikipedia:

In Confucianism, lian is a virtuous benevolent love. Lian should be pursued by all human beings, and reflects a moral life. The Chinese philosopher Mozi developed the concept of ai (?) in reaction to Confucian lian. Ai, in Mohism, is universal love towards all beings, not just towards friends or family, without regard to reciprocation. Extravagance and offensive war are inimical to ai.

  • Finally, agape is permanent.  When all is finished and all is complete “these three remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love.”  There’s no divorce in agape; it is perpetual and never ending.

“Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being ‘in love’, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other … and when all the pretty blossom has fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.”  -Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (from John Harris)

So, back to the question:  Do I still love this person?  Well if webster.com asks me then my feelings of warmth and affection have definitely cooled.  If 1 Corinthians 13 asks, and I get to respond on a scale of 1-10, then I can muster up a weak…”yes”.  I  recognize the immaturity in myself that makes me equivocate and vacillate on whether I can still love someone who has hurt me.  I also recognize that this immaturity weakens my soul.  This is where the love as a choice comes in and must supersede and override the feeling.  The question asked was ‘do I still love’ but maybe it’s better presented as “Will I choose to love?”

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3 Comments

  1. Keohu  •  Jan 30, 2009 @7:44 am

    What a complement to your previous mana`o about developing the muscle of peserverance. It’s even in these types of hurts and decisions to choose love that we strengthen our perserverance. Choosing to find love can be a difficult decision but if you do it for the same reason that you know Ke Akua chooses love for you and me no matter our actions – love is the only choice.

  2. Van  •  Feb 5, 2009 @6:35 am

    Do I love vs do I choose to love??? Great way to put it. To love is almost mindless and is like a parents love to their child. Even after the child has turned or wronged the parent, the parent may choose not to love at a moment’s time but if that child was on the brink of death the parent would put aside all feelings and sit by the child’s side and weep and love that child. That love comes from the heart. Agape is a choice, which we fail at because it is love we need to create outside of our heart and when it is stepped on by people, it is like our heart is being stepped on. Many years I have endured this pain, until I sought for the answers, “How can I love unconditionally, Agape?” God told me, “Man will always fail you, even your own son will fail you, don’t love for them; love them, because I asked you to.” My choice to love comes with the expectation that I will be crossed, but that won’t change my reason to love and I will do it just for that reason. That is the only way I can love my enemies. I hope this makes sense, it dose for me.

  3. Jude  •  Mar 5, 2009 @9:28 am

    I came to this site by happenstance and was trully amazed at the message. I do not understand this message. The question being “Do I love still someone? Well…love is love and is never ending as scribed from my vicar. Circumstances may change but love remains everlasting if it true. To suggest otherwise and question whether love exists can really mean that love never existed at all but was false to begin with.

    To most, love is little more than a feeling, a vague idea that cannot be properly defined despite the effort to do so in the above ciphers. Ask 100 people to define love and the probability is you will receive 100 different responses—everything from a feeling in the heart to just “doing good” to others. Diversified ideas occur in the current age of information.

    To most people, love is expressed as little more than a feeling, a vague idea that cannot be properly defined. If 100 people were asked to define love and it is likely that 100 different responses would be provided—everything from a feeling in the heart to just “doing good” to others. Many learned authors have written about love and love appears in many tales, fables, and stories throughout the literature, including the bible. If I may quote from the following this best sums it up:
    “An expert in the law tested Jesus with this question, “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?” Jesus replied, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like unto it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:35-40)
    Jesus defined the “Law of Love” in general terms in this important passage in the New Testament. He expressed it another time in His famous “golden rule”: “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the law and the prophets” (Matthew 7:12). The apostle Paul echoed this principle when he wrote: “The entire law is summed up in a single command: Love your neighbor as yourself” (Galatians 5:14). These biblical passages express the heart and soul of all of God’s laws and should guide all our actions and interaction with others. We refer to them as “God’s Law of Love.”
    I am not sure who penned the above subject matter but they have much to learn about the subject of love. If you truly love someone albeit it family or not there are no questions than exist or remain unanswered.
    I will check back from time to time as time allows to review new subject matter. I enjoyed myself. In the meantime – Cheerio

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